Some years ago, I wrote some tales about
haggis. These are some of them.
These stories were originally posted over a period of years on the
ILink email network, in the TransAtlantic conference. My thanks to the
"inmates" of this conference for their inspiration and questions on the
subject of haggis over the years, and a special thanks to Don Malins
for archiving them, especially when I lost them all!
For anyone wishing to use these in any publication, I have no problem
with this, but I would ask you to email me, just to let me know where
they are going.
If you wish to use these on a web site, either include a link to http://www.wilsonjo.com/John/haggis.htm
or just mention the author (John@WilsonJO.com) in any references.
What is a haggis?
A haggis is a small animal native to Scotland. Well, when I say animal,
actually it's a bird with vestigial wings - like the ostrich. Because
the habitat of the haggis is exclusively mountainous, and because it is
always found on the sides of Scottish mountains, it has evolved a
rather strange gait.
The poor thing has only three legs, and each leg is a different length
- the result of this is that when hunting haggis, you must get them on
to a flat plain - then they are very easy to catch - they can only run
round in circles.
After catching your haggis, and dispatching it in time honoured
fashion, it is cooked in boiling water for a period of time, then
served with tatties and neeps (and before you ask, that's potatoes and
turnips).
The haggis is considered a great delicacy in Scotland, and as many of
your compatriots will tell you, it tastes great - many visitors from
the US have been known to ask for second helpings of haggis!
The noise haggis make during the mating season gave rise to that other
great Scottish invention, the bagpipes.
Many other countries have tried to establish breeding colonies of
haggis, but to no avail - it's something about the air and water in
Scotland, which once the haggis is removed from that environment, they
just pine away.
A little known fact about the haggis is its aquatic ability - you would
think that with three legs of differing lengths, the poor wee beastie
wouldn't be very good at swimming, but as some of the Scottish
hillsides have rather spectacular lakes on them, over the years, the
haggis has learned to swim very well. When in water, it uses its
vestigial wings to propel itself forward, and this it can do at a very
reasonable speed.
Haggis are by nature very playful creatures, and when swimming, very
often swim in a group - a bit like ducks - where the mother will swim
ahead, and the youngsters follow in a line abreast. This is a very
interesting phenomenon to watch, as it looks something like this :
__---
/ /
/ /
/-\ /-\ /-\ /-\ / /
The long neck of the mother keeping a watchful eye for predators.
This does however confuse some people, who, not knowing about the
haggis, can confuse it with the other great indigenous Scottish
inhabitant, the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie as she's affectionately
known, who looks more like this :
__---
/ /
/ /
\\ /-\
/-\ /-\ /-\ / /
From a distance, I'm sure you'll agree, the tourist can easily mistake
a family of haggis out for their daily swim, as Nessie, this o f course
gives rise to many more false sightings, but is inherently very good
for the tourism industry in Scotland.
The largest known recorded haggis (caught in 1893 by a crofter at the
base of Ben Lomond), weighed 25cwt.
In the water, haggis have been known to reach speeds of up to 35 knots,
and therfore coupled with their amazing agility in this environment,
are extremely difficult to catch, however, if the hunter can predict
where the haggis will land, a good tip is to wait in hiding on the
shore, beacuse when they come out of the water, they will inevitably
run round in circles to dry themselves off.
This process, especially with the larger haggis, gives rise to another
phenomenon - circular indentations in the ground, and again, these have
been mistaken by tourists as the landing sites of UFOs.
I hope this clears up some of the misconceptions about the Haggis, that
rare and very beautiful beastie of the Scottish Highlands (and very
tasty too).
TOP
I have included here as much factual
material as possible, although there are many gaps in this subject, and
some of the information has to be mere speculation.
No-one has as yet been able to ascertain the sex of captured Haggis,
and partially because of this, scientists assume the haggis is
hermophroditic.
This may also be a product of evolution, and does explain the logistic
problems of bringing two haggis together - after all, sure footed
though the beast is, if two were to mate on a Scottish hillside, it is
a long fall down, and a slip at the wrong time may very well result in
a reduction by two of the total haggis population.
What is known about Haggis breeding is that, several days prior to
giving birth, the Haggis make a droning sound - very much like a
beginner playing the bagpipes for the first time - giving rise to the
speculation that the bagpipes were indeed invented in Scotland, simply
to lure unsuspecting haggis into a trap. At the onset of this noise,
all other wildlife for a five mile radius can be seen exiting the area
at an extremely high rate of knots (wouldn't you if your neighbour had
just started to play the bagpipes?). The second purpose of the noise
seems to be to attract other Haggis to the scene, in order to lend help
with the birth. This also gives rise to the assumption that Haggis are
tone deaf.
Haggis normally give birth to two or more young Haggis, or "wee yins",
as they are called in Scotland, and from birth, their eyes are open,
and they are immediately able to run around in circles, just like their
parent.
The wee yins are fiercely independent, and it is only a matter of weeks
before they leave the parent, and go off foraging for food on their
own, although it is perhaps a two or three year period before they are
themselves mature enough to give birth.
Most Haggis hunters will leave the wee yins, due simply to their size,
but when attacked by other predators, they are still able to emit the
bagpipe like sound, which again has the effect of very quickly clearing
the surrounding area of all predators, and attracting other Haggis to
the scene. This results in a very low infant mortality rate, with most
wee yins actually making it to adulthood.
The lifespan of the Haggis is again an unknown quantity, but from
taggings done in the Victorian era, we know that some haggis live for
well over 100 years.
TOP
The mating habits of haggis.
JI>some time: Given the inequality of Haggian leg lengths, does it
JI>not follow that, if we look down upon the hill from above, there
JI>must be clockwise and counter-clockwise roaming Haggis? Does this
JI>not complicate mating habits?
Now, here's an intelligent question (at last!). I've been wondering how
long it would take someone to ask this one, so I have already
researched the reply.
When the wee yins are born, the female haggis, like all aquatic, avian
animals, suckles her young. Haggis however are sticklers for protocol,
and the male wee yins suckle on the left side, while the females are
restricted to the right side. (In the very few instances where all the
wee yins are of one sex only, this does cause the odd little problem).
The effect of this is for the male legs to develop in such a way that
when they mature, they run in a clockwise circle, while the females run
in anti-clockwise circles. (I say circles here, but really, it's only
when a haggis finds flat ground that it runs in circles).
Now of course, mating couldn't be easier - perhaps I should draw a
diagram:
/-------\
Male Haggis - m
/ \f - Female Haggis
/ \
/
\
/ Hill \
/
\
/
\
______/
\__________
As the above two are quite innocently going about their daily foraging,
it is a certainity they will meet, beacause as the male forages in a
clockwise direction, while the female goes anti-clockwise, provided
they are at the same level, they will shortly meet, and the inevitable
courtship ritual ensues - the male asks her out, gives her a box of
chocolates, a bouquet of flowers, and takes her to the pictures. (Just
joking actually - Haggis don't go to the pictures - they don't have any
money).
Now before I depart this subject, I must mention the puir wee yins
where the whole family are unfortunate enough to be of one sex only.
Well, the mother requires relief (like all mammals) in this situation,
so she sets up a rota where some suckle one side one day, and then move
over to the other side the next. The unfortunate results of this
procedure are two fold. First of all, the puir wee yins don't know what
sex they are, and grow up with a major identity crisis, but even worse,
they grow up with three equal length legs.
Many years ago, these strange beasties did not survive long, but in
more modern times, provided they manage to find a road, they will make
their way down from the hills, into the towns and cities, provided they
don't get flattened by passing traffic. Here they forage in dustbins,
and get what food they can from passing kind hearted people, but alas,
they will never find the joys of mating, as they are destined never to
meet another haggis, and even if they do, they would be too embarrassed
to say anything, because they are never quite sure whether it's a male
or a female.
Sad, isn't it ?
TOP
The origin of the name "Haggis".
The following was researched regarding a friend of Don Malins.
It is a well known fact that the ancient Romans built two walls across
the country here, called Hadrians Wall, and Antonines Wall.
Historically, these walls were built to keep the marauding Picts out of
"civilised" Roman "England", but perhaps there was another more
sinister motive.
While out on a reconnaissance mission one day, a group of Roman
soldiers stumbled on to a haggis during the mating season, and in the
ensuing panic, they ran back to the camp and reported they were being
pursued by the devil.
The camp commander, being an unimaginative type of Roman, not given to
all this namby pamby philosophy that was all the rage at the time,
slapped them in irons for a few weeks. Unfortunately, rumours began to
circulate round the camp that the devil was alive and well, and living
just up the road. Discipline wore a little thin, and the commander
decided to do something about it.
It so happened that in the camp at the time was a Greek slave, who
among his many other duties, was employed as a part time interrogator
of prisoners because he seemed to be able to understand the locals a
lot better than the Romans.
He was kitted out with all the latest designer gear - leather skirt,
Roman Army Approved safety helmet, sandals, the lot, sent to the
chariot pool, where he was issued with the new model Fiat single horse
power chariot, and ordered off to scotch the rumours.
Off he went, marvelling at the air conditioning in the new model
chariot, the fixed axle suspension, and the acceleration of the single
horse power plant. The handling too was superb - a lot better then the
standard issue Skoda models he had previously driven.
Eventually, he arrived at the place the soldiers had described earlier,
and crawling through the heather, came upon a wonderful scene - a
haggis with four wee yins!
This man, being a slave, and far from his own family, was touched by
the scene, and decided such a noble beast should be allowed to live in
peace, so he slowly backed out of hiding and back to the chariot.
Imagine his disappointment when he found the stupid thing wouldn't
start - no amount of kicking or poking would help, the power plant had
died, and he was now faced with a long walk back to the camp.
Off he set, but as luck would have it, he was caught by a group of
Picts returning from a Picts versus Celts football match. Fortunately,
the Picts had won on this occasion, and were in good spirits, so he was
allowed to live, with only a few superficial bruises, and flesh wounds.
Suddenly a sound rent the air - the sound of a Haggis call - sensing a
carry out around, the Picts disappeared in the direction of the noise,
shouting, "Haggis", "Cairry oot", and "We are ra boyz", leaving the
little Greek lying in the road.
Shortly after that, he was rescued by a fleeing Roman patrol who had
just encountered a group of disgruntled Celts who had also been at the
match, but as their team had not been so successful, had not been in
quite such a forgiving mood.
The Greek, and the battered patrol arrived back at the camp, and were
interrogated by the commander, but in view of his weakened condition,
all the Greek could say was, "Hags". (His command of the local dialect
was still poor).
Now, as everyone knows, at the time, "hags" in Roman terms referred to
witches, and this, combined with the state of the returning patrol,
convinced the commander the devil indeed was living in this strange
land, so he commanded a wall be built to keep these evil creatures from
invading civilisation. The Greek, in honour of his bravery, was awarded
an honorary plebiscite, and given a new model twin horse Lancia
chariot. The Romans never could pronounce his name of Onissopolis
however, and took to calling him Hagis instead.
The name obviously stuck, and perhaps your friend is a descendant of
this brave little man.
TOP
A great mystery - solved!
It was on a cold, calm Winter morning in December 1872 when the barque
the Dei Gratia spotted the Mary Celeste, and sparked off what must now
be one of the best known unsolved mysteries of our time.
Unsolved that is until now!
In the light of new evidence I have uncovered, I can now reveal the
true facts surrounding the mystery of the Mary Celeste.
The brig Mary Celeste left New York with a cargo of alcohol, bound for
Gibraltar.
Several days out from port, she was hailed by a passing tramp steamer,
and drew alongside the ship. A party was sent aboard, and returned with
two items of cargo - one, an elderly Scotsman who went by the name of
"Mad Dougal", and the other a large square object, draped in tarpaulin.
Mad Dougal, it seems had decided to leave his native home of Scotland,
(or more to the point, had been requested to leave on account of his
unique ability to unerringly seek out, and consume large quantities of
uisge beatha, without due regard to requesting permission from their
owners). He had since learned that his precious stock of the water of
life had dwindled into nothing, and began to regret his decision. There
wasn't much he could do however, being as how he was now well out of
sight of land, so he consoled himself with the company of his pets he
had decided to bring with him.
Now, those of you who are reading this story will most probably be
wondering what those pets were - and many of you will have already
guessed exactly what they were. Aye, Mad Dougal had in fact committed a
cardinal sin, and brought a pair of haggis out of the country. Of
course, no other crew members of the tramp knew what they were - in
fact no other crew members really had much idea what Dougal was (apart
from the fact his fare had been paid, of course), many of them thought
he was in fact some near relative of Rasputin, trying to escape to
distant shores. All however did know of how fondness for the uisge
beatha, and were rapidly finding out he had the knack of locating
anything with even a trace of alcohol in it from one side of the ship
to the other. The result of this was the captain now found his crew on
the verge of mutiny - all alcohol was kept under lock, key and armed
guard, and still Dougal managed to get at it.
Upon sighting the Mary Celeste, and persuading her to heave to, he
managed by means of large sums of money to persuade the captain to take
Dougal and the haggis back across the Atlantic with him, and soon, they
were all safe on board. Imagine Dougals surprise, nay the ecstasy, with
which he greeted the sight of the cargo of the Mary Celeste - alcohol!
Now, it has been said that if a man drinks enough whisky, he will live
for ever, but no man has yet been able to drink enough whisky. Well, it
wasn't whisky , but Dougal was more than willing to give it a try, so
off he went.
The Haggis by now were beginning to feel a little neglected, and it
transpired one of then was pregnant. I'm sure you don't require me to
describe what began to happen (I have already told you in previous
articles about the nature and habits of pregnant haggis), suffice it to
say that one morning, the crew awoke to such a wailing and moaning they
had never heard in their lives, and several of them immediately
abandoned ship. Those who were left managed to stuff wax into their
ears, and so drown out the terrible noise the Haggis were making, and
of course Dougal was well incapable of hearing anything by this time.
Now, there are more things in the ocean than you or I know about, and
the noise the Haggis were making finally reached the "ears" (for want
of a better word) of one of the denizens of the deep, (a distant
relative of Nessie, called Shamus, as it happened), who immediately
surfaced to investigate. Upon seeing this monster, the remainder of the
crew panicked, and as one, threw themselves overboard, leaving Dougal
and the Haggis to their fate.
Now Dougal, having polished off a few jars of the cargo, managed, with
unerring accuracy to locate a bottle of 25 year old uisge beatha
belonging to the now departed captain of the Mary Celeste, and
proceeded to consume that in no uncertain manner. It is a well known
fact that, after a few drinks, every true Scotsman believes himself to
be indestructible, and invincible. Dougal was no exception to this
rule, and upon staggering on to the deck, and being confronted by
Shamus, he immediately uttered that completely unintelligible phrase
normally uttered by Scottish drunks just before they stick the heid in,
"Whit're you lookin' at Jimmy?", and gave the monster a "Glasgow kiss".
Shamus was not particularly used to this kind of greeting, but in order
to be sociable, he decided to reciprocate, and returned the nod to
Dougal.
Now, if you can imagine the state Dougal was in after being heid butted
by a twenty ton amphibious monster, you will begin to appreciate the
scale of the situation. Dougal was now "oot the box" - completely. Of
course, Shamus wondered what he'd done wrong - the subject of his
greeting was lying prone on the deck of the ship, so in an attempt to
revive him, Shamus picked up Dougal, shook him, and tossed him in the
air. As a result of this, Dougal landed some five miles from the Mary
Celeste, and no longer plays any part in this tale.
Shamus, still hearing the droning and wailing of the haggis, and
recognising the sound, decided he had perhaps rescue them from their
fate in the hold of the ship, and steadying himself by grasping the bow
of the brig with one claw, deftly picked the haggis in their cage from
the hold, and set off for the shores of Scotland to return them to
their rightful homeland. In his haste to return the haggis, the Mary
Celeste was forgotten about, and hence, days later, she was sighted by
the Dei Gratia.
I know this story to be true, because it was told me by a gentleman one
evening in a pub after drinking a full bottle of uisge beatha, and it
is a well know fact a man who can drink that much, and still be
understood, cannot lie.
(I would like to thank Janet Marsten, Edee Deeden and Louise Norgaar
for their help in inspiring the research leading up to this article).
TOP
A funny thing about haggis.
I have received many emails on the subject of "How could something like
a haggis evolve?", so as always, in my search for the truth, I have
painstakingly sifted through ancient documents, scrolls, papyrus and a
pile of old Christmas cards, and then I stumbled upon a find of epic
proportions! There are no photographs of haggis anywhere! Search the
web all you like, read every copy of National Geographic ever written,
you will not find one picture of haggis. Granted there are a few
"artists impressions" out there, but no actual photographs.
I decided to become the first person to publish a photo' of a haggis,
and armed with my trusty box Brownie, a tripod made from bits of hazel
stick, and with thoughts of fame, fortune and gorgeous women on my
mind, I ventured off into the hills. I spent night after night sleeping
rough (until I found the lumps, and turned the mattress over). Then one
evening, I heard in the distance, the sound of the 'pipes. I knew it
was either haggis mating, or yet another novice piper thrown out of
town to practice, and started off in the direction of the sound.
As I approached the source of the sound, I observed a sight which will
forever be imprinted in my memory - two haggis engaged in a mating
ritual! My heart stopped! Fame and fortune didn't have a look in! I
would be the first to capture not only the haggis on film, but to be
able to record this event for all to see - future generations would
remember my name - women would flock to my door, I'd tour the world
giving lectures on haggis, heads of state would nod while passing me in
the street! I'd be set up for life!
Stealthily, I set up my photographic equipment, and waited, then came
the moment of truth. Click! Captured for posterity, for the world to
see! Now, wind the film on until the next number shows in the wee red
window, and Click! again - I used a whole roll of film on the sight (a
whole 12 exposures), hang the expense, this was world shattering news!
It did cross my mind perhaps I should have used colour film, but that
was stretching it a wee bit too far.
As I left the scene, I could hardly wait - I rushed back home, my hands
shaking as I removed the film from the camera, and loaded it into the
tank. This was better than the winning lottery ticket! Then I examined
the negatives, looking for the best one to print ... nothing ... just a
sort of fuzziness where the haggis ought to be ... every one the same.
I was heartbroken - the gorgeous babes I had imagined flocking to my
door vanished, and in their place would come double glazing salesmen,
insurance salesmen, and Jehovah's Witnesses.
What had happened? I printed the "best" picture, and enhanced it
digitally, and yes, there was a haggis shaped blob there, but no
detail.
Suddenly I had an idea! The haggis must be able to bend light in some
way! They must have a natural camouflage. I decided to borrow a VCR and
a digital camera - just in case they could somehow affect photographic
film. Sadly, the results returned from all other kinds of recording
media were the same. No pictures.
Disheartened, I sat in the solitude of my bedroom, when the idea came
to me - radioactivity!!! Haggis are radioactive! A new theory! It fits!
Why do haggis thrive in Scotland? Because the parts of Scotland haggis
thrive best are the Highlands, and what kind of rock is prevalent
there? Granite - which has a long half-life. Do haggis need radiation
to thrive? Do they actually feed on radiation? Are the in fact not
native to this planet after all, but perhaps some pets from a UFO which
landed hundreds if not thousands of years ago, and escaped? Yes! A new
theory, and one which is beginning to make sense, and to explain much
about this fascinating animal.
All I can say for the moment is I am engaged in some ground-breaking
research, once more venturing into the hills, and the results of this
will be published first here on this website! Fame and fortune (and the
babes) will yet be mine ... keep coming back for more ... sooner or
later I will crack the riddle of the haggis.
TOP
Do haggis celebrate Easter?
(This was in response to a question from Norma McPherson.)
> Happy Easter - do haggis celebrate Easter?
A Happy Easter to you.
As for your question, "Do Haggis celebrate Easter?", I have to say
that, although in some places, there is some strange legend about
rabbits laying chocolate eggs, here in Scotland, we have no such
frivolous and obviously false tales.
I mean, think about it for a moment. You tell your kids, "Hey, kids,
the Easter Bunny's been here and laid eggs all over the garden!" What
kind of a tale is that to relate to kids? They rush out there, looking
for eggs, and invariably eat them right away! Mostly they throw up lots
afterwards and their parents ask why?
Think about the hygiene issues for a start. Would you really want to
eat something that had just been up a rabbits rear end without giving
it a thorough wash first? Come on, be realistic. Then again think about
the size of the eggs.
Yes, I know there are some small ones, but have you seen the size of
some of these eggs to [supposedly] come out of a rabbit?
If a rabbit had laid one of those, I think we'd find it not too far
away gasping in relief from having had something like that pass through
its digestive system. How on earth does a rabbit not only manage to lay
something like a six inch diameter chocolate egg, wrapped in shiny
silver paper with pretty decorations on it, but avoid screaming in pain
during the process?
Surely most of the kids that believe in the Easter Bunny should waken
up during the night and run terrified to their parents wondering what
the unholy row is.
Kids believe in this sort of thing, they're so gullible, and yet they
find it difficult to believe in a three legged aquatic, avian, mammal
like the haggis.
What is wrong with this world?
Now, what I think happened is that Easter Bunnies, do exist, but that
many years ago they made such a fuss about being so cute and fluffy and
cuddly, that they really REALLY irritated all the other animals to the
point where all the others had a meeting to decide what could be done
to silence them.
Suggestions like mass genocide (or should that be mass rabbicide?),
deportation to Australia, designer diseases and the like were all
suggested, but due to the overall inherent kindness of the other
animals, all were turned down.
As is the norm with all meetings, there was a break for lunch, which in
those days consisted of chocolate eggs, and during the lunch break, an
Easter Bunny wandered into the proceedings asking what was going on.
The stoat replied that the rabbits were excluded from the meeting, to
which the rabbit said, "How can you do such a thing to me, after all,
I'm so cute and fluffy and cuddly - in fact, I'm the cutest and
fluffiest and cuddliest of all the animals?"
At the time, the elephant was a little put out, because he was
considered to be fluffy, cute and cuddly (that was before the crocodile
attacked him with a razor and a portable air compressor - did you know
elephants used to be small, cute and cuddly, as well as fluffy?).
The panda was a wee bit miffed as well, because after all, even before
the kangaroo gave him his black eyes in a small disagreement over the
bamboo shoots (which the kangaroo misheard and thought it was some kind
of new liqueur), he did look quite cute, fluffy and cuddly.
It didn't go down terribly well with the koala either, but he was far
too shy to say anything about it. In fact, all the animals thought they
were at least as cute and fluffy and cuddly as the rabbits, but they
were all too well mannered to say so. Only the haggis knew they weren't
cute and cuddly, in fact, they knew haggis were thought of as downright
ugly by most of the others.
So, the haggis, having had a few whiskys (he was from Glasgow anyway),
turned to the rabbit, and said, "See you Jimmy, if you don't shut up
aboot being so cute and cuddly and fluffy right now, ah'm gonna' stuff
this chocolate egg so far doon yer throat, it'll come oot the ither
end!"
The rabbit's reply of "Oh yeah, you and whose army?" didn't quite come
out like that, but more, "Oh yeah, you and whose ... aaargh!"
Of course, all the other animals while secretly delighted at how the
rabbit had finally been silenced, couldn't show their approval openly,
and so the poor haggis had to be disciplined for his actions. The other
animals decided to restrict him to one country only, but as
compensation, they picked the most beautiful country in the world -
Scotland.
So you see, now you have the Easter Bunny, but you could so easily have
had an Easter Haggis!
TOP
Pictures of haggis?
Several people have written to me asking for pictures of haggis,
unfortunately, despite several attempts I have been unable to provide
these.
> From: Rick Bell
> Sent: 11 February 2003 14:06
> To: john@wilsonjo.com
> Subject: HAGGIS
>
> Hi John.
>
> Loved your HAGGIS websight, which I was showing to an Indian girl
who has come to work in our office.
> She is a lovely wee lassie, who has a fondness for animals, so
myself and my colleagues decided to
> introduce her to the lovely "Haggis".
>
> She has become very interested in this native Scottish creature,
so I was wondering if you could send her a
> personal e-mail all about the Haggis.
> If you have any pictures of a Haggis that you could e-mail to her,
it would really make her day.
>
> Thanks for taking the time to read this e-mail, and I look forward
to your e-mail.
>
> My colleague's name is "Poonam". She doesn't yet have an e-mail
address, so please could you send the information c/o me at > the
above e-mail address.
>
> Hope you (and your Haggis(es)) are well.
>
> Regards
>
> Rick
Hi Rick (and Poonam),
I'd gladly send a picture of a haggis, unfortunately, despite several
attempts, I have been completely unable to manage to caputre their
image at all.
First of all, I tried my good old Kodak box Brownie (Poonam, that's a
rather primitive but functional camera, 1962 vintage, in case you
didn't know). The result was a blob on the film - it could have been
the haggis, or it might have been my finger over the lens, or it may
even have been evidence of UFO activity but whatever it was it was
definitely not evidence of haggis.
My next attempt was a Kodak Instamatic (the expensive one, with
built-in flash), unfortunately, I was naive enough to think I would get
better definition by using the flash and the result five days spent in
a hospital bed after being trampled by haggis, and I have had to have
some serious ear surgery to get rid of the sounds in my ears
(unfortunately they are still with me to this day).
Thinking conventional photography was perhaps a little behind the
times, I decided to use a digital camera on my next attempt, but once
again this met with disaster. The camera seemed to possess slightly
more intelligence than it's operator, and when a haggis was captured in
the viewfinder, the camera refused to operate. Inverting the camera to
ascertain the cause of the problem did however result in some near
perfect pictures of my nasal passages however I was not impressed by
the camera's inbuilt red-eye reduction function since, before I used
the camera, I did not have red eyes and afterwards I had to wear dark
glasses for several days.
Deciding that perhaps the use of technical aids was a little beyond me
and recalling how in the days of my youth I'd progressed from drawing
matchstick men and women into drawing what (for me at least) were
recognisable figures, I purchased an artists kit (from Woolworths -
excellent quality) complete with easel, sketching pad, brushes, some
kind of black pencils and lots of different colours of paint. Stopping
off at the nearest off-license for supplies, I once more headed off
into the hills to where I knew the haggis were. I don't know if you
have ever tried painting (or drawing or even doodling on paper), but
when the sun is shining, there's only a light breeze and the haggis are
playing around, it has to be one of the most relaxing feelings in life.
Nothing can compare to sitting in the heather with a small (OK, perhaps
not so small) glass of uisge beatha attempting to capture the scene for
posterity - OK make that several not-so-small glasses of usige beatha
then. Bliss. Unfortunately this was Scotland, where all four seasons
can (and normally do) come in the same hour. All I have left to show
for this trip are some sheets of paper containing similar blobs of
colour to the ones I originally took on the box Brownie in the very
beginning.
These experiments have taught me several lessons, the main one being,
"Don't try to capture the image of a haggis - it's bad luck", another
being, "If you do capture the image of a haggis, it always looks like a
three year old child's first painting" and finally, "When venturing out
haggis spotting, make sure you have all weather gear and several
bottles of uisge beatha".
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FOOTNOTE
Evolution?
While constructing the Haggis stories, I referred to how the haggis
"evolved".
Bearing in mind these stories were written somewhere around 1988, I
have to say my views on the subject of evolution have changed greatly
since then.
During 1991, I became a Christian, and for some time after that, I
tried to justify my beliefs in evolution with what the bible describes
in Genesis regarding creation.
I found this to be a process fraught with problems, and in time came to
the conclusion that in fact the process of creation referred to in the
Bible is in fact a literal account of the formation of the earth, at no
point did God make a mistake and have to begin again, but that his
creation was perfect from the very beginning.
While I have no wish to "inflict" my Christian beliefs on others, I am
only too willing to give reasons as to my faith, all you have to do is
ask - i.e. mail me:
john@wilsonjo.com
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